I’m kind of a big deal.
I sort of always lived my life for this future that would never come. I needed a nicer car, a bigger apartment, a better watch, a faster computer and a smaller cell phone (and then a bigger cell phone). Some of that, that searching for happiness in external solutions, is still present. I still like toys of all different varieties. Whether you are putting it on a shelf next to your original print of the 1978 STAR WARS poster or putting it in your pocket while it’s playing the WORLD WAR Z audiobook in your ears, I still like toys. That’s okay. That’s sort of part of who I am. I’m passionate about some things that others might find trivial and vice versa. I don’t see myself arguing anytime soon about the plight of chickens, but if you wanna really boil my blood just bring up Wonder Woman’s new pants. What WERE they thinking?!? I am passionate about the state of the American legal system, but don’t get why some people can be so obsessed with the personal lives of millionaires. It reminds me of this touching and beautiful song I once heard as a kid. The words rang so true to my young ears, it was almost as if God himself, or herself, had penned them.
Now, the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum,
What might be right for you, may not be right for some.
A man is born, he’s a man of means.
Then along come two, they got nothing but their dreams.
Material things were not the only external solution I sought, and I’m not talking about alcohol either. Hell, my first drug of choice was pretty much the approval of others. I needed to be liked. Regardless of my actions, I needed YOU to understand that my intentions were noble and, therefore, I was worthy of you thinking I was a swell guy. There are certainly decisions in my past that could have been, shall we say, more wisely considered. I had a habit of just shooting from brain to mouth or, even worse, from brain to feet. My words and my actions didn’t have the benefit of any conscious pause and I’d make a mess sometimes. But, do I have any regrets? Absolutely not.
Here’s the bottom line: every step I took then has lead me to where I am now. I know that might sound a little trite, but it’s the truth. I have been given such a clear indication of why it is that I went though what I went through and why I am right here, right now.
If I cannot get to sleep at night, which is so much more rare these days then it used to be, I tend to repeat a simply mantra. “My life. Jack. Gwen. Al. One by one, the days ahead.”
My life: As a recovered alcoholic, I bear witness to others the possibility of freedom. As a rule, this comes first. I will lose anything I put before my own growth.
Jack: My son. The truest, most tangible expression of love and grace in my life.
Gwen: My daughter, who surrounds me and my family with her sprit.
Al: My wife, who amazes me with strength and wisdom that I aspire towards.
One by one, the days ahead: The gift that I’m given in both the moment and the promise of a tomorrow not made worse by inaction today.
I mean, really, that’s not bad at all. So, yeah, no regrets.