It continually amazes me how when I remove me own ego, my sense of what should and should not be, the amount of “self” I inject into just about any given situation, those situations seems to have a way of just working out for the best. Perhaps not MY idea of best, but it certainly reinforces my belief that there IS a plan and things are unraveling according to it.
It’s almost as if I do not actually control the world and all the people in it.
But enough of that crazy talk.
Jack continues to be. He is 26 months old and slowly the most dire of worries regarding his development have almost entirely fallen to the wayside. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. There are some areas of his budding intelligence in which he is miles ahead of the societal standard the powers that be are working under. Other areas he needs work in. I’m not certain what the prognosis will be, but I don’t live in those results and am open to the best and the worst of it. I have moments where I see his inability to follow his teacher’s “simple” direction to grasp a rope while on a walk with his classmates and I get a sting of immediate concern. I get told that he isn’t really trying to jump yet, and my head goes “what’s wrong here?”
Then, in a matter of minutes, I see the byproduct of him having taught himself to recognize the letters of the alphabet. To easily count to 10. To name a shape and a color with one hundred percent accuracy. To memorize his favorite songs and stories and read along, or even to just READ in general. He recognizes letters in books and sounds them out. To lay his head on a pillow, pretend he’s asleep and smile up at me and go, “I’m sleeping, Daddy.”
Jack is Jack, and he’s doing fucking amazing on any given day of the week. He’s so strong and he’s so happy that I am able to quickly wipe away the creeping doubts I would let linger just a few months ago. The shadows of dark thoughts that my son was in any way “lesser than”.
Funny story. A few weeks ago I was telling Allison at how obsessive I used to get when I was a teenager when it came to recording (yes, on my VCR) the television shows that I loved. Star Trek, Quantum Leap, The X-Files. I would watch them and record them as I watched them so I could press pause in order to edit out the commercials. It didn’t end there though. I had to find the PERFECT labeling system for all my tapes. I couldn’t just use to included labels, because sometimes the blank tapes would be of different brands. They all had to look uniform and clean when I opened my tape drawers to review my collection. I had hundreds of them. Carefully labeled using white electric tape, sliced with an exacto knife to fit the label indentation. Only Sharpies with the finest of points would due for the cataloging standard I came up with. I was the KING of controlling my little VHS collection. I told my wife all of this and looked up to see her bewildered expression as she uttered:
“Why are we AT ALL worried about our son?”
And we laughed at this realization. We laughed hard at the nonsense and almost psychopathic compulsion of my teenage years tape collection, laughing under the umbrella that everything was going to be okay. Despite a few demoralizing bumps in the road, I’ve turned out to be a pretty alright guy. I try to do what’s right most of the time. I trust and am trusted by those who love me now, and that has come with action (not words). I’m spiritually and selfishly compelled to help other people. It’s just what we do. Now this may all sound a lot less than humble, but there’s a point. Jack may have gotten some of the genetic garbage that me and Allison share, but he’s also inherited the best of us. He’s got, somewhere in there, my creativity. He’s got Allison’s innate kindness. He’s got my sense of humor. He’s got her intelligence. He’s got OUR passion. With these simple tools and the aid that our experience has taught us, Allison and I can laugh under another lofty minded umbrella: the simple idea that, no matter what, Jack is gonna be just fine.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I hope you have a great day, unless you’ve made other plans for yourself.